Image by: Unsplash
By Anthony Juan
“Online dating, plus weakness for beautiful girls is not a good combination.” Words to live by, as I have learned from my cousin Gee. He has been in a few online relationships and got “catfished” a few times as well. In case you didn’t know, catfished means that you have been a victim of the oldest bait and switch con game of all time.
He’s also been straight up defrauded. The first girl he met got him crazy over how hot she was, and he immediately entrusted his heart and his money. That’s right, without even meeting the woman in person, he sent her $300 so she could buy herself a cellphone and so that they could communicate constantly. After sending the money, the girl just deactivated her account and VOILA – nowhere to be found! Similar thing happened with the next two women he virtually dated.
Right now, Gee has a real woman in his life. Well, I’m happy for him, for his newly-found love and for how he was able to break away from the cycle of self-sabotage.
Guys, if you keep on making the same mistakes over and over again, you need to revisit your intentions and actions. Here are some tips to help you re-frame your mind and break the cycle of self-defeating patterns.
Trust Yourself More
Believe that you are capable of being independent and that you can rely on your own mature self to nurture your wants and desires. You won’t be able to accomplish anything if you’re always beating yourself up. If you’re issue is your self-esteem, you have to focus on boosting it.
In the piece “Why You Can’t Walk Away,” Linda Esposito explains the concept of codependency, or when two people with dysfunctional personality traits stick together for common reasons such as children, finances, time invested, and fear of shame from splitting up.
Guys, if you believe that you deserve to be mistreated, then clearly you have self-esteem issues. To recover from codependency and trust yourself more, you have to get in touch with your deep-rooted feelings. You should nurture your own wants and realize that you should never feel compelled to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Remember that you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness, but your own.
Dig Down to the Root Cause of Your Problem & Address It
Write down all the things that are not working in your life right now, examine them, reflect, then decide what’s getting in the way of your happiness and success. After identifying the things that you don’t like about your life, find out what’s causing them, take time to do some analysis, and then, create a plan on how you can possibly address it.
For example, if your issue is about your finances because of your bad spending habits, try to figure out the reason why you’re always spending more money than you can afford. Perhaps, you’re bored and you find shopping fulfilling. So, given this reason, your action should focus on addressing your boredom.
Have a movie marathon instead, it’s equally enjoyable, it will take your mind off shopping, it will keep you busy and no matter how many movies you watch, the important thing is you won’t end up broke.
Maybe you’re in debt because you are operating on a very limited budget and don’t have extra money to even pay your current bills, resulting in crazy accumulation of interest $$$. If this is the case, writer Sienna Beard shares useful tips on how you can get out of debt. Here are some of its highlights:
• Negotiate a repayment plan with your lenders
• Consider automatic deductions or auto-pay options
• Cut your expenses (even small cuts can make a difference)
Understand the Damage You’re Doing to Yourself
Another way to avoid repeating the same mistakes is to understand the consequences of your actions and how they negatively impact your well-being.
I got hospitalized 3 times for hyperacidity, once in college and twice while I was already working. I would always skip meals either because I wanted to lose weight or I was busy studying or working on a certain project. I thought hyperacidity was not a serious condition until I learned that cancer cells thrive in acidity. This piece of knowledge made me more conscious about eating on time.
Other terrible effects of skipping meals also include mental instability, depression, decreased attention span, weight gain, unpleasant physical appearance and gut problems.
It’s always good to take time to educate yourself and truly understand the scope of the damage you’re inflicting on yourself guys.
Build Your Mental Strength
In order for you to have enough willpower to stop making the same mistakes over and over and reverse your negative patterns of behavior, you should work on increasing your mental toughness. Self-motivation, self-control and consistency play big parts in gaining that winning feeling.
To help you perform at the highest levels, check this out – “Time & Attention – An Introduction to Mindfulness.”
In my opinion, instead of wasting your time dwelling on your sorrows, regrets, and worries, you should focus on gaining wisdom from your experiences and past choices, and be more aware of the present. Think of how you can make your life more exciting and fulfilling or how you can spend your time developing better personal growth.
Fellas, I know it’s not easy to fight self-defeating patterns. It’s normal to experience some setbacks that may throw you off track, but if you apply these 4 tips in your life, combined with persistence, there’s no doubt that you’ll get there.
Just don’t give up on yourself.