Image by: Highway Patrol Images
By Phillip K. Issa
Men love their cars. Actually that is an understatement – men are in love with their cars. Our autos become extensions of our human selves, their metal exteriors essentially our clothing on the street. Sleek, powerful, cars are pretty amazing, really.
Who doesn’t just love to cruise down the road, take in the scenery, break a few speed limits. It’s the American way.
But too many guys junk up their rides with crazy accessories that should have stayed safely on the shelves at Auto Zone. Everybody has a friend that just bought a new car or truck and ruined it with a tacky add-on or “cool” graphic.
You just want to slap the Turtle Wax out of them for what they did to that BMW. Pleased leave that let new Audi alone!
Putting A Stop To The Madness
You know what, bad ass rims and low profile tires are just begging to be put on most cars. But that’s where it has to stop, people. It is a car, not a parade float. You are supposed to drive the thing not use it as a foundation to showcase the latest in ground effects and LED technology.
Now I understand that these fast and furious types will be, well, furious at such statements. Tough. Have your fun boys, but to the rest of us it’s a little too much. Take your foot off the super-racing carbon fiber accelerator pedal you had special made in Japan for $768.
Vin Diesel would have wanted it this way. What? He’s not dead? There’s another one of those Furious movies coming out and he’s in it? Crap. Here are some other accessories I can do without:
Truck Nuts
What do we have to do as a society to rid ourselves of “truck nuts”? Please take my tax dollars, buy that company out, and bomb that damn factory into the stone age. I want truck nut shrapnel everywhere. It would be a YouTube sensation.
LED Rims
Yeah, the read that right. Some fool figured out how to turn rims into picture displays not suitable for framing. The promo pics showed a slideshow of jpegs glowing brightly on these $10,000-plus items. But that was back in 2006 and I guess no one bought them because there’s no website for Pimpstar LED rims anymore.
Phew.
Now, the reality for LED rim technology is what you see in the video above – LED light effects which make the wheels of your car or motorcycle glow like Tron. Kind of ridiculous really.
Anything That Dangles
Nothing says “I’m an asshole” faster than some dangling “look at me” BS. The fake baby/body part hanging out the trunk bit? That was funny for about a week back in 2005. Now, you just look dumb. Note: In New Jersey, those body parts may not be fake.
“The More Chrome The Better!”
This is not a true statement. Need proof? Justin Bieber once owned a car that was covered in chrome like it was paint, the thing looked hideous and was quite painful to the eyes, even in a photo.
The same goes for that tack-on crap that litters the shelves of Discount Auto Parts or whatever it is called this week. I’ve seen guys driving down the street proudly displaying EVERY POSSIBLE chrome add-on in the catalog on a pick up truck (why is it always pick-up trucks?).
But then again, this is America and we all love to express our individuality. Maybe I’m the jerk without the stupid shit on my car.