Image by: neil o
By Phillip K. Issa

Growing a moustache? Is your name Tom Selleck? No? Then maybe you should shave that thing off your face. I don’t care if it is November, Movember, whatever – you are not driving around a bright red Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes and fighting bad guys.

Here’s a tip – the crime’s on your lip.

It is time to face the facts that there are not too many men out there who can really rock a moustache. And you are probably not one of them. That has never stopped men from trying to grow a moustache, however. I mean we get it it – you gotta try it once, right? Also, in some cultures – our friends the Arabs, for example – the moustache is seen as a sign of virility.

Brush With Greatness

It can get out of hand, though: take the 2012 National Beard & Moustache Championships that just wrapped in Las Vegas. Haven’t we taken it all a bit too far? Yes. And while we can’t hop in a time machine and stop that travesty from having ever taken place, we can hold you down, fire up the trimmers, and keep you from continuing to make the worst mistake of our life.

What is driving this current moustache fad? Is it simply anti-establishment? Tradition? Curiosity? What about the sheer love of ridiculousness? That’s the only way to explain the whole hipsters-wearing-obvious-fake-moustaches thing.

Get rid of it!

But I Look Good With A Moustache!

I bet you say that to all the boys. Not saying moustaches are gay or anything …

The Real 1%

So, let’s go ahead and assume you are one of those moustache guys, you know, one of the particularly charmed souls who actually looks good with a dead caterpillar living on his face. They do exist. Heck, some guys look downright weird without a stache (I’m talking to you, Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliott and the aforementioned Mr. Selleck).

But forget about those guys – how do you sport one, then, without looking like a total douche?

You can’t. Well at least 99% of you can’t. But if you must continue bucking the odds with this dastardly display, at least keep the hairy beast trimmed and neat.

“I think a mustache that is bushy or covers the lips looks a little old or outdated,” offers Esmy27 through and online forum. “But a nice trimmed mustache … is sexy!”